JUST ANOTHER GOODBYE!

I wonder why progress looks so much like destruction! — John Steinbeck.

The day I was fired from my job I stood outside a park and I vomited.

I thought I would start by creating a drawn-out plan to pursue my dreams, take a leap into the mapped-out unknown, and build something concrete. That was my plan. That’s what I was too scared to execute.

This is what happened instead: I threw up on my shoes.

And then I just kept walking.

This isn’t a story about the loss of my job. I had wanted to leave for weeks anyhow. This was just one loss in a series I like to call, “Everything’s broken so let’s sculpt a new reality out of heart-wrenching necessity.” That’s how I’m referring to my 2017, and it’s been the most devastating year of my life. It’s also been the one in which I’ve realized I have never, ever built anything worthwhile until now because I’ve been too scared of breaking.

I learned one concrete thing for sure during this terrible/wonderful year: My gift to the world was in breaking myself and finally sharing all the pieces.

That one concrete thing is why I am writing.

Up until a few weeks ago, I felt I had not been honest with those around me. I had not owned how messy my life became. There were days I did not leave my apartment, just staring at the light change, wondering why it bothered to change at all.

Each time someone asked how I was doing while all of this transpired, I’d smile and say, “I’m fine. Things could be worse.”

On the surface, I’m sure I seemed fine. My work blossomed amidst this chaos. But my heart was begging for comfort, and I was going on as if yoga and coffee alone would get me through.

I thought I was saying I was fine because I had too much pride, or because my ego drove me to silence. That is not the case. If you’re silent, and you’re telling yourself that those are the reasons why you’re not sharing your messy experience, you’re wrong.

The truth is this: I lacked courage. You lack courage. You are scared of what might happen if you believe in the significance of your brokenness. You are scared it may be impossible to return to your safe cocoon if you put words to what is falling away around you.

And you can go on as if you’re fine, and you will retreat to your safe space. Or you can let it all go. A funny thing happens when you do that: there’s a lot of space and emptiness around you. This is your opportunity to fill that space with solid dreams, not far-off wonderings about “what if.” What if is staring at you.

This is what I did. I started owning what a mess my life was.

I have lived my life in corners, quietly. Most of us do. We don’t know what we want. We know a little bit about what we don’t want, but even that never crystallizes until the worst greets us at our doors.

I find this realization to be devastating, but not enough to paralyze me. Instead, it makes me want to live out loud and narrate my life publicly. The past has no power over you if you learn from it.

Beginning my real creative journey was not beautiful. It began with vomit on my shoes and losing a job that I didn’t have the courage to leave on my own. Your beauty will come from nowhere you expect, and it will break you before it builds you back up again.

I invite you to let mess into your life. Encourage it. Usher it in with open arms as you speed down the highway. Tell all your friends what a wreck your heart is. That is the only way to create what has been waiting there all along.

I am beginning with intention, in a new city, with travel every few months and my love by my side. And, best of all, I know that if everything were to fall apart again tomorrow, I’d build something brand new right out of the broken pieces.

Blessings and kindness to you in 2018. You deserve it.