Learn to say NO, When you can’t say YES!
I wish I’d learned to say no earlier but sometimes we insist on learning things the hard way!
No, I don’t want another drink.
No, I’ll pass on that fifth and sixth piece of pizza.
No, I don’t want to go out tonight.
No, I don’t actually want that job.
No, I can’t commit to anything else right now.
No, I won’t do that because it doesn’t feel right…
No, I definitely won’t do that!
Why is NO such a hard word to say?
Gosh, where do I begin.
Personally speaking, aside from being a people pleaser I believed in working hard — there was no other way. I also believed that being selfless was admirable.
On top of that I was immersed in a corporate culture of ‘yes men’, and, in the end, as someone who lacked confidence and was very shy, I hated confrontation of any form. So in saying yes to everything I avoided all sorts of confrontations (to my own detriment, yes, hindsight — again — beautiful thing).
Digging deeper, I just wanted people to like me and to be proud of me, and so I equated saying no with letting people down. With upsetting them. With disappointment. Does that sound familiar?
So what changed?
I was so stressed out people pleasing and saying yes to every opportunity that came my way, I ended up sick from stress and burnt out…over and over and over again.
I was also rudely awoken to the fact that, to some degree, I was very naive as not everyone had the best of intentions for me. In fact, some of them had or were taking advantage of me for their own benefit! [yes, people do that!]
Learning to say no
As a chronic people-pleaser, it took me until my 20’s to finally grow a pair (figuratively, not literally) and to start saying no to people. It took me a whole lot longer to start saying no without stressing about it for days beforehand and ending up an anxious mess. It took me even longer to be able to say no to their faces…
Okay, it was a lot more complicated than that but learning to say no started from a simple brainstorming exercise and kind of grew from there.
It was after sitting down to actually pinpoint my own personal values (with some A3 paper and a whole lot of coloured pens) that I became clearer on what I DIDN’T WANT in my life — which, as it turns out, was all of those things I had been doing or subjecting myself to that didn’t align with my own values (AND had been causing me an immense amount of stress and anxiety). Now that’s what you call a light bulb moment!
Now I use my core personal values as a ‘guiding light’ to decision-making in my life. If something isn’t sitting right with me, for example, if I’m feeling sick in the pit of my stomach, then I make sure I stop to analyse WHY I’m feeling the way I am. Is it because I ate something dodgy, or is it because I’m really not sure it’s a good move in saying yes to that job offer, especially when it’s totally NOT related to what I want to do in life!
Of course, there are still times when I don’t listen to my ‘guiding light’ — or my body shouting at me — and commit to things I shouldn’t have. There are also times when I have to suck it up and do things I don’t want to do.
Learning to say no has been liberating. Once you get past the fear of letting the teenie weenie little word pass your lips and through your mouth, it can be very empowering.
Saying no means that you are reclaiming power. It means you are in control. It means that you are finally choosing to have a say in your own life. And saying NO to something, well, that is totally okay!
